Tag Archives: Bhajji

Uncalled for

By Joybrato Dutta

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Have you met people who smile in the most intense situations? Or those who can start singing even in the middle of a conversation? Or come up with the weirdest answers at an awfully wrong time? Aren’t they weird? At times they can look like a complete asshole and make a mockery out of themselves. Invariably their acts are considered condescending or insensitive. Well this is the perspective of one such weird insensitive prick.

Case 1 – Police ki ragging

Since the time I left college I have turned into a really decent guy. I don’t indulge in bar-fights, hardly raise my voice and I don’t tease the cops (not even the traffic police).

But one day my friend and I got really drunk. And then booze oozed up his confidence and he decided to drive.

It was 2AM, the roads were empty and the traffic signals were on stand-by mode. Under these conditions you can hardly go wrong spotting the vehicles on the road. In that peaceful hour my friend saw a hanging red light. He decided to take a 360 degree turn around it. At 90 degrees our car crashed. With a white Qualis. On which the red light was placed.

Next I know there were two cops abusing us. They were speaking gibberish. At least that’s what it seemed. My friend started having a heated argument. They were about to take us to jail. They reminded us of our seniors from college. Any ragging scene would have looked pretty similar. Amidst that one of the cops asked my friend his name and he replied “My name is Sanjay Kumar gaand mara ke”.

There was pin drop silence. The windy atmosphere also adjusted to this melodramatic scene.

Flashback

My friend Sanjay and I were room-mates in college. He was the biggest Don in college and I was the biggest flirt. Together we were noticed by everyone. He introduced me to smoking and smoking-up. I shall always remain thankful to him for that. Well, none of this information is important here.

Let’s get to the point. During first semester ragging was the most interesting social network available. We interacted with a lot of seniors. Both male and female. We gave roses to a lot of female seniors. It was a part of ragging. And to some more female seniors. It was a part of socialising. This was the fun part; let’s get to the funny part.

We had a typical way of bonding. Post dinner we juniors were called near the ‘Boys Amenities Centre’. Where we were asked to demonstrate a few Kamasutra poses. And a few innovative ones. Once we had animatedly fucked our batch-mates we had to shout out our names. The pseudo full names. Where your whole name is your first name and the common last name given was ‘Gaand mara ke’. So names sounded like Rahul Pandey Gaand Mara Ke, Shashank Yadav Gaand Mara Ke, Ankan Banerjee Gaand Mara Ke. We did this for 8 months. Of which in the last 6 months we did it to our school-names and the names of our hometowns as well.

As years passed by, those scenes got blurred. Little did Sanjay know, that 4 years from then he would be confronted by a cop who would look like our senior and bark in a similar voice. But when he did face someone like that he answered like a perfect fresher.

Of course the cops thought we were drunk. In fact they knew it. They were startled. So was Sanjay. His arrogant voice turned apologetic. I couldn’t help but smile. In fact I laughed like crazy. Sanjay could not believe my reaction. But the cops found the scene amusing. I am so glad they had a sense of humour. They let us go. But not before we paid them five hundred rupees. Courtesy – Mr. Sanjay Kumar Gaand Mara Ke.

Case 2 – Ladki ke papa.

 Last weekend I visited Pune to attend a friend’s birthday party. As usual I was late to reach and I made sure two of my friends (Sandy and his girlfriend Neha) also get delayed. Finally we reached at 9 PM. Party had hardly begun because we were carrying the cake as well.

At around 1AM we wrapped up. I left the party with Sandy and Neha. Suddenly Neha remembered that she wasn’t drunk enough and she felt she was being unfair to herself. She persuaded Sandy to buy some alcohol which we can savour sitting in he car. And that’s exactly what happened next.

It was 2:30 AM; we were pissed drunk as we entered Neha’s society’s gates. We spotted her parents standing below the apartment. Even before she stepped out of the car she started apologising. Apparently she had been ignoring their calls since the last 3 hours. Her dad called us out of the car “Who are these boys I want to talk to them right now.” Sandy did not appreciate the invitation but reluctantly stepped out of the car. Poor thing was about to meet Neha’s parents that week to seek permission to get married to Neha. Not the perfect introduction I would say.

For the next twenty minutes we faced the rant of an over-concerned parent. Logical questions like “Do you know what time it is? Don’t you have some respect for the girl? How can you be so careless? Do you think it’s a good habit to go out drinking with a girl so late?” followed.

I was extremely tempted to answer a few questions but I didn’t want to ruin Sandy’s future. Neha’s dad then said that he knew about what’s cooking between Sandy and his daughter. He actually wanted to call him the following day. But haaye re kismat!!!

I looked at Sandy’s face. His face defined embarrassment. And I laughed. Not subtly but monstrously. Everyone else was shocked. Sandy gave me a look of disgust. Very similar to the stare I gave him 8 years back.

8 years back

 I was in class 12. In those days tuition is where you did the actual learning. My Friends and I were attending the Chemistry tuition conducted by our dear Mr. Pingle. After whom a drink is named. It’s called Pina Colada or Pingle ka lo…. something. Can’t remember.

Half way through his class my room-mate Jai walked into the class. He was perspiring profusely. He whispered something into Mr. Pingle’s ear after which he made an announcement – “Joy, you have to go home. Some CBI guy came looking for you”.

My heart skipped a beat. I swear I was scared. And embarrassed. The entire class was looking at me as if I had raped someone. My friends Bhajji, Pulsar, Firangi, Vandy, Ronky, Sandy and I left the classroom. Mr. Pingle allowed them to come along because even he felt I needed moral support.

We reached home and waited. It was the most painful wait of my life. My friends had distrust in their eyes. They tried to ask me the same questions in various ways. They tried to ask me if I had molested/killed/hit someone. The answer was NO.

After ten thousand years the doorbell rang. With reluctance in my heart I opened the door. “Are you Joy?” a tall bulky looking man asked. His moustache was similar to that of Aamir Khan’s in Mangal Pandey. The moment I said yes he dragged me out of the house.

We were standing at the parking. And then he started his rant. During which I figured that he was the father of my dear friend Jasmine.

Jasmine and I went to the same Maths tuition where we became good friends. Every day I used to drop her home. She stayed in a society infested with over-orthodox inhabitants. These residents probably had a crush on me or were too possessive about Jasmine. So they went up to Jasmine’s father and uttered words spoken by a vamp in Ekta Kapoor soaps. They annoyed him to the extent that he came to my house.

My friends were standing at a distance of ten meters. Even they could not be of much help. After all who would want to mess with a CBI officer?!? Finally his rant ended with a note of forgiveness. Even he fell for my cute expressions. Then I had to make up a story about how there were bad guys standing outside his society to hoot at Jasmine every day. That’s why I accompanied her.

Hearing this Mr. CBI’s eyes filled with remorse. He shook his hands with me and offered me his visiting card. In fact he asked me to call him if I ever needed help.

As he walked away I felt pretty good about the mishap. Now I am carrying the card of a CBI officer. I felt like challenging the world. But thankfully I stopped to read his name on the card. And then I noticed something.

He didn’t work for the CBI. He worked for the SBI bank. I felt like going back to that man and thrash him brutally. The reason why I quietly listened to him, the reason why my friends didn’t intervene was simply because we didn’t want mess with a CBI officer. My anger knew no bounds. I looked at Jai who sensed what was approaching him. His voice shook as he said “Yaar woh itna chilla ke bol raha tha mujhe CBI sunai diya”. And exactly at that moment Sandy burst into laughter. In the most embarrassing moment of my life Sandy laughed the loudest.

I gave him a stare very similar to the one he gave me last weekend.

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The Untold Story of Arpan Chatterjee

How important is the word ‘success’ for you? What if ‘success’ costs you your happiness, isolates you from your closest friends and family? Would you still call yourself successful? Joybrato Dutta explores these questions through the life of his best friend who died of Malignant Malaria, but who he feels became a victim of ‘success’!

August 18, 2002, and if I’m not wrong it was around 12 PM. I got off the rickshaw and was walking towards my junior college. It was my first day in M.I.T. A narrow stretch of mud connected the gates to Paud Road. And I was walking on the mud trying to make sure it doesn’t deface the shine on my boots. Hair oiled, silver rimmed spectacles, double pleated trousers, clean shaved, tip of my tie touching the tip of my belt, I was truly a banker in the making. But destiny got rewritten the moment a white van whizzed past me painting my black shoes with brown. It went ahead and stopped in front of the gates. A tall fair guy stepped out of the van with his father. A man as tall and fair as him. As I walked towards the gates I saw him smiling at his father as he bid him farewell. His smile was the epitome of innocence and the proof of a pure heart. I couldn’t help stop myself from going towards him and asking him if it was his first day. Nodding his head he said yes. I asked his name. Arpan Chatterjee, he replied. And thus a Bengali from Jamshedpur met a Bengali from Ballarpur in Pune.

arpan-IOur friendship grew in leaps and bounds. Our classmates thought we were childhood friends because of our initial bond. We always sat beside each other in every class. And we did that for the 2 years. Such was his charm that guys envied him and women adored him. He had no match. His every action was appreciated, his every mistake was forgiven. In the realm of green eyes and beating hearts we did find true friends. Saurabh Ambure, a guy whose surname overshadowed his name. Later he was also known as Ambure Papa because of the kindness he bestowed in the form of money and food. And of course love. Raunaq Dubey a.k.a. Ronky Donky. No clue why Arpan named him that, a guy who was born to attain fame. Panchali Gadre a.k.a. Pancho. Unlike her name she never dated a guy. Yet stole the heart of Arpan. Shweta Gujarathi a.k.a. Maggi because of her hair. Payal Chakravarty, she loved us so much that she decided to make us her brother. Later she cursed us so much that till date no other girl has accepted us as their brother.

raj-gang(RAJ gang: R- Raunaq; A- Arpan; J- Joy)

We were a strong group. We came and left college together. Post college we were usually spotted at Durga or Zest. The waiters knew us by our order. “One cold coffee with 5 straws please”, was our usual order. Back in those days we felt rich even with empty pockets. Childishness, immaturity and stupidity were the virtues we truly believed in. For example it so happened that we were partying at Shweta’s house and Arpan touched something sharp and started bleeding. Any sensible person would have got Dettol but Shweta was different from the crowd. She got phenyl.

Ambure papa wasn’t far behind. A hot girl fell off a Kinetic Honda in front of him. It’s a moment every guy dreams to get. All you have to do is lift the girl and you will be her hero for a long time. But Ambure dreamt different. He didn’t lift the girl. Arpan and I who were walking 10 steps behind, rushed up to him and asked him why he didn’t pick her up. With as serious as expression Ambure replied “Maine isse bhi bura accident dekha hai”.

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40709_415254080795_6888394_n(Panchali, Shweta, Ambure and I)

And Arpan with his carelessness could not have been left behind. On the last day before summer vacations Arpan was so happy that he decided to skip a flight of stairs and jumped only to land with a broken ankle. Of course he didn’t realise that until 6 hours later his brother and I forced him to get an X-ray done.

But like every other dream this too ended. Arpan and Panchali decided to part ways. And that marked the end of our gang. The second year of Junior college saw the meeting Arpan and Janhavi. I am sure Payal still curses herself for this meeting. Such was Janhavi’s aura she overshadowed the rest of us. Some loved her, some hated her. But no one could ignore her. Arpan who was recuperating from heartbreak found peace in her arms.

But Arpan’s love for me didn’t diminish. He loved me like none of my girlfriends did. He was possessive, he was bossy, he was stubborn. If for 2 days I didn’t call him he would call back saying “Tumhaare aur dost bann gaye kya”. But he was the guy who helped me woo my first girlfriend. Not before he had changed my image. Oil gave way to gel. Sleeves were folded. Collar button was always undone. My vision was no more obstructed by silver rims. It was a new me. I was what Arpan made me. And the new me had the courage and confidence to woo Tejas, the most beautiful girl of our college. The four of us spent a lot of time together. From films to road trips. From Durga to Barista. From NDA to ARAI hills, we left no street untraveled.

250858_10150195785385796_128470_n(Pic: Janhavi and Tejas)

But time tested us like a mean professor. Just before pre-boards I broke up. Shattered and tattered I was sitting in one corner of my apartment on Paud Road while my friends Ambure, Ronky, Bhajji, Gafoor, Biggie, Ved and Gawade were all trying to empathise with me. But not Arpan. He didn’t believe in empathising. He never believed that to solve one’s problem one needs to understand his/her problem. He simply believed that smile was the solution to all problems. And to make anyone smile one doesn’t need to know the problems. That’s what he believed in and that’s what he did. He danced, he sang, he cracked the most pathetic jokes but that stubborn ass didn’t give up on me. He made me smile. A night before the pre-boards when everyone was scared like hell. Arpan danced like a madman. Ambure, Ronky and I danced along.

After the 12th boards time had come for all of us to bid farewell. And in 2 years Arpan cried for the first time. We didn’t know when we will meet next. But I didn’t know that post this farewell I will meet a new Arpan.

12th results were announced and Arpan had flunked. As of today for most of us it won’t seem like a big deal. Back then, for Arpan, it was. It changed his life. It killed the child inside him. It mocked his beliefs. The teachers who once treated him as a son, humiliated him, the green eyed rivals pounced on this opportunity to desecrate him, people who were really close to him, whom he really relied upon, desolated him. The college which was once his playground, turned into hell.

I was in Bangalore doing my Engineering. From there I constantly called to check on him. As days passed his voice turned paler. His confidence grew weaker. But somehow his determination grew stronger. He wanted to prove a point. He wanted to take revenge. He wanted to humiliate everyone, classmates, teachers and our college. And he grew impatient. That must have been the longest 6 months. After which he could re-answer the boards. And this time he passed with flying colours.

aa001(Pic: Arpan and I in his house in Bangalore)

I remember an evening when Arpan and I were sitting at a bus stop on Paud Road near Krishna Hospital. The hospital where once I was admitted because we didn’t have a television and Arpan wanted to see some match. So he thought if I could get a cabin with a television, that would solve his problem. And boy that hospital had celebrated the day they discharged me. Ideally 2 people are allowed but Arpan made sure a minimum of 20 people attended me. The only time 2 people were attending me was one of the most awkwardest moments of my life when I was lying on the bed in the cabin with Panchali on one side and Janhavi on the other. I was anxiously waiting for Arpan to turn up but that sadist was out enjoying with other friends.

Anyways, getting back to the conversation. My apologies for getting carried away. We were sitting at a bus stop discussing ambitions. We both had the same. We both wanted to become filmmakers. In Bangalore while I was doing engineering simply because that’s what 75% small town boys do, he was in Australia following his dreams. He hadn’t forgotten about it. He didn’t let me forget it. His impatience to achieve success fast made him unstable. He hated stability. More than that, he hated me for not following my dreams. He called me every day and tried to convince me to do so. And one day he succeeded. After my second semester I quit engineering and joined a film school. He was the happiest man on earth. Happier than me.

Arpan moved to Bangalore. He joined Arena Multimedia to learn animations. He made sure I regain my confidence after my break up and woo other women. And thanks to him I met the 2 most contrasting women in my life. Anusha and Anwasha. Anwasha was an outstanding student, and undoubtedly the most innocent soul alive. While Anusha was bold, practical and undoubtedly the most matured girl I have met in my life. Arpan was a brother to both. And both respected him equally. While Anwasha and Arpan’s connection was short-lived, Anusha and Arpan had a stronger bond. Even after I broke up with Anusha Arpan was there with her. At times they hated each other at times they loved each other. They were everything a brother and sister were meant to be. After my college got over in Bangalore. I went back home for 15 days. It did seem like 15 years though. My parents who never supported my choice of career had abandoned me. Only my sister, Arpan and Anusha stood by me. And thanks to them I decided to join advertising in Delhi.

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I moved to Delhi and so did Arpan. He was my soul. Literally. He joined a small production house there and was doing pretty good for himself. His sense of film making was outstanding and he defeated his counterparts at the bat of an eyelid. But his past kept on haunting him. I wish I had the power he had. I wish I could have stopped him from leaving Delhi. He moved to Mumbai. He joined a bigger production house. He was doing well there too. But then he quit.

Day by day his past was haunting him more fiercely. His dormant anger was reigniting rapidly. He could never forget the humiliation he had received after his failure. He could never forgive them. He had understood that no one supports failures. Even while he stayed amongst friends he experienced loneliness. He had just one dream. He wanted to go back to M.I.T. and invite all our classmates and then to tell them how superior he was to them. He wanted to humiliate each one of them. Everytime he called me, every time we sat to drink he said only one thing “Ek baar Pune wapas jaayenge aur sab ko batayenge aaj apni aukaat kya hai. Yeh saale kal hanse the mujh par, ek din inn saalo par thukunga mai”. Arpan could never forgive his past. This hunger for success led to his failure. It led to his instability.

In the next few years. Arpan travelled from Mumbai to Kolkata to Delhi to Kabul, to Sydney to New York to Ghana. Today I wish I could have convinced him to stay back in India. Today I wish I could convince him to rest for a while. Arpan the dream-child for every parent had succumbed to his anger. He started drinking and smoking. Once when he visited me in Delhi he entered with a crate of beers. My room-mate Abhishek and I were shocked. He drank a bottle after dinner and one for breakfast. That was a time when I felt my soul had been snatched from me. And I was helpless. Each time he called me it was from a new number and he was in a new country. He grabbed every opportunity that came his way. And his career soared higher than any of our classmates. In this process he distanced himself from love.

In times when men hardly find true love he found it more than once. But he distanced himself from it each time. He felt they were speed breakers. But Arpan still had a heart of gold. He just couldn’t tell those women he didn’t love them. Because even if he didn’t love them he cared for them. He simply walked away. Women misunderstood. Some even hated him. But little did they know of the greatness of this man. And finally this year he had decided to settle in life.

But then came the evening of 8th June. When it rained for the first time in Mumbai. I was sitting in my apartment in Andheri drinking and watching a match when suddenly I got a call from Aanchal. In a shaky voice she asked me to check Arpan’s wall on Facebook. I didn’t have access to the internet at that moment so I asked her the reason for her anxiousness. She cried and disconnected. I was shaken by this call. I called Arpan’s dad to get Arpan’s number. I will never forget that conversation. I called uncle and said “kaku Arpan er number ta daao na, aamar kaacher theke number ta delete hoye geche (Uncle, please give me Arpan’s number I have lost it). He replied “Beta Arpan to aa neyi, o kaal rate maara geche” (Son, Arpan is no more, he passed away last night).

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(Arpan, after he started drinking and becoming careless about his health)

I don’t know how to describe what I felt. It was something I had never felt before. Being a writer I usually am good with words but I know of no such adjective that can truly explain what I felt. A part of me had died. A part of my existence had died. But one thought kept on lingering in my mind. What was the cause for his death? I don’t mean Malignant Malaria, which was the medical cause. I meant the real cause. Why would a guy who was doing pretty well in his career in Mumbai and Kolkata have to leave for Kabul and Ghana? I don’t mean to belittle the places but they definitely aren’t obvious choices. What was the reason for this instability? A fun loving guy who believed in staying happy and making others smile, why would he impatiently grab on to opportunities that would distance him from everyone who loved him. It wasn’t malignant malaria that killed him, it was his constant search for success, it was his impatience for achieving his dream that one day he would avenge his self-respect. It was this dream that led to his demise. But this was never his dream.

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(Arpan and I in a pub in Kolkata)

Ask the 18 year old me who sat with him in the bus stop and heard him share his dream of becoming a film maker. That’s all he wanted. One bloody failure and it ruined the life of an 18 year old. You should have seen the smile and the enthusiasm with which he was talking about his plans of becoming a film maker. Little did he know back then that his dreams would end in a year and his life in 8.

Today as impractical as it may sound I hope he is reading this because that stubborn ass inspired me to write. He read every bloody post of mine. Every pathetic story every crappy poem. And if you are reading this Arpan, I would want to thank you for a lot of things.

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(Pic: Arpan’s initial attempt at photoshop. He always went wrong with the spelling of innocence and friends.)

Thank you for changing my look

Thank you for helping me woo Tejas

Thank you for dancing in front of me just to make me smile

Thank you for encouraging me to follow my dreams

Thank you for helping me get over Anwasha

Thank you for helping Anusha and I remain the best of friends

Thank you for encouraging me to join advertising

Thank you for applauding to my boring ads

Thank you for scolding me each time I fought with my family

Thank you for inspiring me to move to Mumbai

Thank you for calling me your best friend

Thank you for forgiving me even when I chose not to forgive you

Thank you for reminding me each day what my name truly means.

They are saying you have died and you are no more among us. Little do they know that you are up there smiling. And your smile grows bigger each time I shed a tear. Little do they know how big a sadist you were. God save the angels!!!

TGIF: Twitterati’s Take on Sreesanth and His Towel Antics

Enough of seriousness on spot-fixing in cricket. We thought we would bring some humour in the context. Here’s presenting ten tweets we found laugh worthy in an otherwise tension struck world. 

towel antics

Sir Ravindra Jadeja  (@SirJadeja)
Is a Towel ok? to  get the Aadhar Card picture clicked? – #Sreesanth

NimS ‏(@NimsPatel)
“Dupatta for ladies and shirts for men mandatory for Aadhar Card.” #Sreesanth can use his towel as a Dupatta no? # Aadhar Card

Atiya Zaidi (‏@atiyaz)
Dear Shakespeare,
There does seem to be something in a name.
Sree+santh
Sri+nivas

Kamaal R Khan – KRK (@kamaalrkhan)
If #Sreesanth is innocent as he is claiming then Sunny leone is still Virgin.

Faking News ‏(@fakingnews)
#Sreesanth agreed to #SpotFixing as he needed money to pay for a job in Indian Railways.

Tanmay Bhat ‏(@thetanmay)
Trying hard to think of a joke better than Sharad Pawar and N Srinivasan saying they have zero tolerance for corruption.

T S Sudhir ‏(@Iamtssudhir)
Apparently #Sreesanth’s watsapp was tracked by sleuths of Delhi Police. Interestingly his status msg on watsapp is `Love my life’

cypher_singh ‏(@imanish_singh)
Bhajji is the only cop who slaps a criminal even before he could commit a crime. Sir Jadeja level breached. #ipl6 #sreesanth

Ramesh Srivats (@rameshsrivats)
Bookie: So, what plan today? #Sreesanth: I’ll get smashed for over 10 runs per over. B: Ok. So, you’ll bowl badly? S: No, no. Normally.

Manish Kr. Khedawat (@mkkhedawat)
It Looks like #Sreesanth took Surf Excel’s punch line “Daag achche hote hain” a bit too seriously.

Hoping you enjoyed the Twitterati’s take on Sreesanth’s towel antics. We especially loved the Harbhajan wala from Cypher Singh. Look at this space for more on such great comedy tweets.

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