Category Archives: Office Gossip

The ‘Fish’ Girl

For Fish Girl

By Ankit Chandra

No I am not talking about mermaids. Although that is a great topic of another blog, but maybe some other time. For now I am talking about a special breed of girls who have been given prior education, most probably in convents to use a special word ‘fish’.

You see, they are kinda special. You can pretty much single out the ‘fish’ girls out of a group very easily. They usually have very pretty face, more often than not their legs are chiseled by Michelangelo, they are interested in the same sports which you are crazy about… In short they are every thing you want. The trouble is that some times their resume has a few ‘skills’ far too much for your palate.

So what is this fish thing? Any been-there-done-that guy will know what this stands for. In the male bastion, where there are pretty much no rules about using a particular ‘f’ word in a friend circle, I guess women folk kind of observe a self constraint. Add to this the general perception that girls are ‘usually’ the more ‘appropriate’ folks around and will definitely purge the group from its oral misadventures. So when a girl wants to use the ‘f’ word, she replaces it with a ‘fish’! And they think they have kinda swept it under the carpet. What they don’t kinda realize is that for most guys using an ‘f’ word among guys is way more exhilarating than actually trying to avoid saying it, coz now not only you are pretty, awesome and lovely, but you are bindaas, approachable and cool to be with! What a combination…

So here is the deal. Here is this awesome femme fatale, she has a very pretty face, she seems to have a good head, and boy, she loves the same activities like I do, and she uses the ‘fish’ word too! And that’s when all guys in the group begin their ‘moves’ to bag this prized possession. What adds fuel to the fire is that the actions are not exactly rebuked.

And there I am in the crowd, but kinda better off than other guys, and seem to have made the moves better than them. She and I have been talking for a while now, and we exactly share our likes and sense of humor. In fact, it is going sooo well that her ‘fish’ utterances are coming out now more so often and I am reveling in the fact that she is so much one among us, that I could really think about the next step with her. And maybe a little down the road, decide upon a longer road with her too!

She is wearing a beautiful dress. (Oh! what the hell I think anything will look good on her) Although I never ever notice this stuff on girls, but even her jewelry stands out on her. Her cute little ear rings, her thin and elegant necklace just make their presence felt and simply increase the beauty I have in sight. Down in her arms, her red bangles covering just a little area, enough for them to sparkle just like her eyes, make the road I was thinking about even more impelling.

And there is a ring in her fourth right finger on the right hand.

It is then that the final ‘skill’ on her resume shows up. She is taken. As have all other such fish girls been in the past. As they say, that no matter how quickly you approach a ‘fish’ girl, there is always a faster son of a gun, smirking somewhere at you.

Advertisements

How Not To Get Rejected By Women

rejected-by-woman

Robin Choudhary after the stupendous success of Types of Young Women in Delhi talks of how unless you’re Adam Levine from Maroon5 or a shade of Brad Pitt’s chiseled Greek-half twin sibling; you probably get the my-blood-freezes-so-I-hose-down-my-armpits-and-stutter syndrome whenever gorgeous ladies enter the room. He also gives some pro-tips to handle this situation.

This reaction is perfectly logical, triggered by thoughts of humiliation, rejection and having your delicate masculinity trampled over by a girl and then not being able to handle the scene like a man. So, here’s what you need to do.

The real secret is practice. Speaking with loads of women as part of your routine. You’re going to prepare and embrace yourself to be like a squash ball – resilient.

Pro tip: The hottest looking girls get hit on the least because most men assume they are already taken.

Location, location and location: The best place to approach hotties is either in a professional atmosphere or at a club or a social event, when most girls let their guards down. In short, it is easier to strike up a conversation there versus the creep who followed me home.

Next, make it casual. Start the conversation with what you’re doing at that point in time. Use your spare time as a playground. Hesitation and fear can be overcome by speaking with women who work at coffee shops,  at the office water-cooler, the gym reception – wherever they are supposedly employed to serve you as a customer. That will build your confidence.

Pro tip: Walk into a ladies store and chat up the sales girls. You can use the “I’m looking for something special to give to my grandma or sister for her birthday/ anniversary” routine.

With time, and once you feel you’re ready, begin to approach ladies at clubs first (because they are there to have a good time and they are probably drunk).

Once you’re comfortable speaking with women, handling and composing yourself will become a lot easier. The easiest way to approach any lady is with a smile, a unobtrusive but nosy attitude, and keeping your chin up no matter what.

Pro tip: Speaking in a soft voice will bring her closer to you (because she wants to hear what you have to say). Maintain that tone no matter what.

Lastly, exit on an optimistic note (always) because there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Don’t ever show disappointment, let alone upset or anger, at being rejected. Just move in politely. She may even change her mind.

Colorful World Of Dogs

dogs

By Robin Choudhary

So , June is such a rapchandooos month, nahi ? No holidays at all , my boss must be singing “wake me up , when June ends..” . I am into another weekend and just right time to undergo an international level transformations at both professional and personal levels ( Mera kunwarapan apni aakhiri saansein gin raha hai bhailog ! ) , I still find enough time to ruminate about deeper issues such as what happens after death , why has my cellphone been smelling like a masala dosa lately , and the spelling of czekoslovacia…czhekoslovakkia…checho..watever!

But my ears perked up when I read about an article which said they are capturing stray dogs in Malaysia and deporting them to an island where the environment is harsher than the inside of Himesh Reshammiya’s bathroom . ( Accha , agar uska bathroom scary nahi lagta to imagine a naked Himesh singing “Aye Huzoooor” in a shower . Ab laga darr ? ) So coming back to the biting topic , I think it is pretty bad that stray dogs are being put through this .

I mean , come on yar , they are itchy , lie around in drains , bark at insane hours setting off the car alarm and do susu on the front tyre of your pink scooty , but phir bhee yaar , stray dogs form a part of our society , just like that tiny beggar kid who sells plastic goggles at a traffic signal or a lazy cow which chooses to dump in the middle of the street a never seen before version of the aloo ke paranthe she ate. I , for one , think it is a kuttapanti to hate stray dogs like this and given a chance , I would bite such people in the leg ( Shit man , I hope I don’t start wagging my behind when I am happy ! ) .

In fact , if I float down in the world of stray dogs , I think there are various kinds of stray dogs . I mean , no offence to any dog , each dog has a personality and a favorite color and a favorite film star of his own ( Which, I feel , is never a Dharmendra ) , but still , in my opinion , there are some variety of stray dogs :

1.The lazy ones – “Sone de na , kutte !”

These are the ones which were born ( By the way , would a dog mind if you call him a SOB ? ) to sleep . Ye paida hote hain and the first thing they do is to crawl under a white maruti swift parked nearby and sleep. I seriously envy these guys man . I mean , these guys can sleep like angels in the drawing room of the Deol household , which as per research carried out by Brainy Kuttas association of the world has been ranked as the most dangerous place for kuttas in the world . Kyun ? Abbe baap kutto ka khoon peeta hai pineapple juice ki maafik , ek puttar ka dhai kilo ka haath hai aur doosre puttar ke to baal dekh kar hee kutte darr jaate hai .

I mean , If there were beds made for dogs , this bunch would be the gold card customers for the doggy carpenters . I can imagine what these guys would yell at a loudly talking human being who disturbs their sleep as they sleep on a pavement – “Sone de na , kutte !” . The only thing which can make them crawl from under that shady charpai is hunger , which brings us to the next market segment of kuttas.

2.The bhookha ones – “Main to haddi ka pujareee..mujhe haddi chahiye”

I mean , a typical specimen of this market segment can be visualized like this – Dirty brown , with a tongue hanging out like an extra large bedsheet hanging out from the side of a bed , and eyes that scream “Khaaana!!!” . These guys are found in trash bins of all the eating places. Nirulas , Mcdonalds , KFCs , TGIFs , they are like print outs of google maps to all the eating joints in the town . You can ask any one of them “Bhai Saab , yahan se McD ke liye kaise jaana hai” and they will tell you all you need to know !

But the kuttapanti of the situation is that while these gentlemen eat all the time , they are also the most skinny . Most of these dogs look like imports from Somalia and weigh almost equal to a polythene bag.

3.The Vaasna ke Pujari Kutte – “Aao rani!”

Think Prem chopra in a silk gown Combined with Ranjeet in a tight baniyan topped off with a little bit of Amrish Puri . Now think all of this in the form of a dog.
They don’t care much about sleep or food or running after every car they see ( Waise dogs don’t chase Tata Nanos . Kutte confuse ho jaate hai ki yeh car hai ya two wheeler ? ). All they care about is the pushpas and Kamlas of their neighbourhood.

They smell them , chase them and create the most disturbing scenes in the middle of public places which are questioned by kids using innocent questions “Bhaiiya , yeh doggies aise ajeeb style mein kyun khel rahe hai?”.

I mean , just these guys are reasons enough for institutionalization of dog police.

4.The cute “Ui ma , look at him” types !

Technically, these guys should be on the back seat of a silver Corolla , in a little green sweaters and sunglasses perched on their pink noses . But galat community mein paida ho Gaye . So even they are cute and little girls want to bring them home and keep them in shoe boxes, they end up scratching themselves in places they should be wearing nylon jockeys. Although they form a very little percentage of the total stray kuttas market , they are like the only dogs who look like they have ever used cosmetics in a world which is populated by dogs who look like they have only been to a drain. The Ranbeer Kapoors and Imran Khans of doggies.

5.The “Gaadi chalaunga!” ones

Sacchi Sacchi batana , how many times have you raced your bike against that dog who chases you everytime you cross that street ? Mujhe to bada maza aata hai. I turn that corner around that pastry shop , and as I shift down to third gear , I see him . Eyes focused , teeth showing , with his body taut and ready to chase me down.

I put the bike back into fourth and create a distance between the bike and him as I pass him . As if jolted by a gunshot , he sprints off like a cheetah and comes after me . He generally gives up by the time I cross the the flower shop further down that street. But then , if this bunch of dogs could talk , I guess most of us would want to ask them “Peecha karta kyun hai be ? Aur agar pakad leta to karta kya ? Bike chalata ?”.

6. Yeh mera shehar hain

These are the ones with high territorial senses always barking up the wrong trees (one place where it actually makes sense)at cats, lizards and birds. Ironically these are the ones who lose out ot Vaasna ke Pujari Kutte types when it comes to getting the girl!

So uncle Charlie , kutte to aur bhee tarah tarah ke hain . Lekin iss Rang Birangi Kutto ki duniya ko aur nahi soonghte abhi . Kuch kaam shaam kar lete hain . Weekend khatm hone ko hai , phir kaam ayo re . Sigh , yeh office kyun jaana padta hai yaar ? Yeh life bhee badi “kutti” cheez hai re pushpaa…take care, and don’t bite anyone !

Salary Negotiations – Recruiters Pride – Part 1

salary cover

One of the key stages of the hiring process is the starting salary negotiation. It is a hurdle that needs to be overcome if you are to close the deal on your dream candidate. While there is no magic formula for handling a salary negotiation—as it can be impacted by many external factors beyond your control—there are several tactics to follow that can help you to engage in a mutually beneficial and ultimately successful salary negotiation.

Rahul Krishna, Manager – Talent Acquisition Group Espire Infolabs advices on the subject in the first part of this two-part series.

1. Put the salary range in the job description

There is a general reluctance for employers to include salary details in the job description, but by failing to do this, you are making salary negotiations harder as you are not setting the candidate expectations correctly and you may attract candidates who are off the scale. Where possible, include a range, even if it is broad, and make it clear that the candidate’s actual pay will be dependent on their experience and likely contribution to the business. This way you will filter out those candidates who are out of the ball park and where salary negotiations are likely to be fruitless — and a potential waste of both party’s time.

2. Check whether you are in the same ball park

There can be a tendency for the candidate and hiring manager to negotiate according to poker rules and not show their hand early, which means salary expectations, may not be revealed until late in the process. This can lead to salary negotiation issues if the candidate and employer salary expectations prove to be wide apart or not in the same ball park. At the very least, ask the candidate to confirm their current salary and package, so you can check you are on the same page and save wasting each other’s time.

3. Give additional reasons to join you, other than just money

Don’t allow the candidate to become too fixated on salary; give them other reasons to join you by constantly promoting all the other positive perks and aspects of working at the business, be that: culture, training, challenging work, location, benefits, flexible working, etc. The candidate will factor in all these perks and may be prepared to accept a lower salary in the knowledge that he/she will be receiving all these great perks.

4. Make the offer face-to-face

Where possible, try handing over the offer letter face-to-face and then talk them through it, rather than by post or email. It’s much easier to reject or query an offer that has come via email, or letter as it is quite impersonal. So, personalize and make the offer face-to-face and this should give you the upper hand. Of course, the candidate should still be given a few days to make up his/her mind, if need be.

Wait for the next set of guidelines in my next post.

salary-negotiation-tips

Gen Y Workforce – Are They Taking The Workplace To The Next Level?

Gen Y Cover

The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them.”
-Albert Einstein

An iPhone or a Tab on the work desk, with Twitter and Facebook accounts getting refreshed. Junk food packets with cold drink lying on one corner of the desk, you know this is a millenial’s desk, part of the Generation Y crowd. They are determined to sync the work place as per their global ,always plugged-in culture . And believe me, the Gen Y workforce will challenge the work place like no other and change the paradigms.

With cross cultural diversity being important in the workplace, the new age demands for generational diversity too. With popping judgements, the millennial are always ready with a solution. The very base of the tenure paradigm is challenged. Knowledge and experience do not seem to be correlated to age. Whether or not the Gen Yers swipe in the office, they are 24/7 available online on various networking sites to offer solutions. Cloud computing is the in-thing and virtual office is what they intend to set up.

This tech savvy cadre works on the JIT model. Best practices are followed as long as projects are carried on and no time is wasted in planning and detailing. Instead the process is replaced by co-ordination.

This extremely active multi task capable work force prefers autonomous yet connected environment. Collaborative and collective leadership is what they desire and they challenge the control and command an exclusively management style of working.

As a HR professional, when I think about the complex nature of such workforce, I feel the challenges are high in terms of retaining the Gen Yers. Gone are the days when people start their career with a organization and toil and moil in the same organization till retirement. The next generation professionals always have two to three options to choose from and loyalty to one organization is something that cannot be expected out of them.

While retaining is a challenge, engagement is a bigger one. Customization and Tailor making is the only solution. Fixed models and standardized SOPs may dampen the productivity and engagement. Newer job designs, fresher skill metrics and attractive benefit programmes may be the call for the day.

Collaborative culture building is going to be the KRA for OD practitioners. Communication mechanisms not only with-in the organization, but with the external stake holders and customers have to be built in as a practice. Appraisal is yet another area that the Gen- Yers would definitely want to challenge. The standard PMS will have to be replaced with the 360 degree method of appraisal.

There is always resistance with every new wave. Newcomers invite skepticism and hesitation. And this in turn gives room for development. Diversity is the mix and inclusion is making the mix work in the desired way!!

P.S. While I write the above article, it is imperative for me to let the readers know that I belong to the same set of Millennial crowd I talk of above.

debates command etc

The Recruitment Conundrum: Talent Crunch vs Unspotted Talent

Finding the right talent

 

Ganesh Subramanian talks of the current problems in recruitment strategies of companies and gives solutions for improvement. A must read for all HR professionals

Come the recruitment season, every year we see HRs of companies doing their best to bring talent on-board by various means – be it through conducting walk-ins, be it visiting campuses for hiring or through job portals or consultant tie-ups. They leave no stone unturned in enriching the talent pool of their company and striving to achieve the senior management’s mandate of a target headcount by the end of the year.

There is no doubt that the HRs head to some of the best technical and management schools in the country where they find the brightest minds on display, the crème-de-la-crème. While all this give an impression that they are able to successfully fulfil the talent requirements of the company, the picture is far from rosy. Grappling with attrition, misfit in roles and a host of other problems, HRs are left complaining about talent crunch at the end of the day. Recruitment is done in bulk and still there is a talent crunch. Why this paradox? Is there a way out?

Some of the companies accredit technical colleges and B-schools where they go for campus recruitment every year. While this is a win-win situation with the B-school/technical college having the chosen company visit their campus every year, the company also has access to the best of the talent. However, this policy also has a small inherent flaw in itself.

By restricting the number of institutions that they hire from, companies lose out on unspotted talents untouched by opportunities. The only fault of the student from such colleges is that their institution is not accredited by some company for campus recruitment. While this does not call for companies to change their approach radically, they must be flexible enough with their hiring options.

The bottomline is if you input garbage, you get back garbage.

The other reason for the talent crunch is the way in which personal interviews are conducted by companies. Rather than trying to find out the strengths of the candidate and then see how it fits companies requirements, interviews turn out to be one on one (or many to one, as the case may be) gibberish encountered in online chat rooms. Armed as if by rote learning with outdated and irrelevant questions, interviews have the eventual effect of leaving candidates frustrated who wonder how such seemingly stupid questions are relevant to the job position for which they are being interviewed. The bottomline is if you input garbage, you get back garbage.

I will close this discussion with a couple of interesting incidences which I learnt from my friends. In one case, a talented candidate attended an interview for a mid-level role in a reputed company. After having successfully cleared the interview and being orally informed that he is being selected for that role, this person much to his dismay found that his job offer was later rejected only because his institution from where he studied was closed down. This person had to be at the receiving end for no fault of his.

How can the knowledge and experience accumulated over the years vanish in an instant just because a person’s almamater no longer exists? In another case, a person was selected for an entry level position in a support function department in a company. After a week into the job, this person was asked to quit the job by his boss for the silliest reasons ever heard.  The person does not have a smiling face according to some employees.

smile

The boss said that the person’s performance was not matching expectations and the person’s ambitions will not help him do this job effectively. What more? The boss went on to play God saying that he can easily identify whether the person will be effective or not in a job in just 7 days. Heights of stupidity and baseless arrogance! Finally, this employee was also forced to resign without having a chance to even explain himself.

After learning about these incidents, the clarion call is loud and clear. It is time for the human resource function to take a call. They can either take the lead and be proactive in tackling talent crunch or continue doing the run-of-the-mill routine job and keep complaining.

Exact Person

An Ode to My First Job: Season One – Episode 1

First Day At Work

 

Our youngest writer Kushal Khandelwal talks of his high hopes from an MBA degree and 6 figure salary expectations. How it all came crashing down like a pack of cards as he entered his office on the first day.

You’re pretty much the most recent entrant & the youngest person at your company. You get all the bitch work – and sometimes don’t get credit for doing it. You stay late and most importantly, what you’re doing now is NOT what you want to be doing the rest of your life. Where are you working??? Your first job… where else God Damn It.

Fresh out of college and ready to race fast & ahead, the first job is what gets you pulsating for a long and fulfilling career. Many pictures loom as I complete my first year at my first job. Just like every other management graduate, I also dreamt of a big office in one of those shiny towers.

But what I came through on my first day was a 1500 sq ft office with some 15 people working (including the three of us who joined that day). What a crash landing it was!! And while I was still recovering from this, my training manager had put such restrictions that I was in fact feeling the pain of those Jews sentenced in Nazi concentration camps. Many perceived myths are no more only Myths… 🙂

Two weeks went by and I was live doing real-time interactions on the front-end of the team. Thank God, I was reporting to another manager now. My new manager was a fantabulous person to work with, one who reads his team in the first go, understands the plus & the minuses and stands irrespective. Now here, I learnt the importance of a first job, in fact to be more specific, your first Boss and also realized the fact that in general you don’t leave your job, you leave your manager.

With time moving on, I was able to find every type of character that my HR faculties taught. Type A, B, C, X, Y, Z etc.. At times, it was close to the Big Boss (for my American readers, big brother) house (with so much bitching against each other). So, the first taste of office politics was in. And yah, this also helped in getting some good friends (well because our target of humour was same).  So now, I was getting accustomed and feeling a bit relieved; by this I mean I was learning how to write the sort of memo your boss wants to read. 🙂

Keep watching this space for more. I would come back with more such experiences you will all empathize but at the same time love reading with a pinch of humour.

pile-of-work-first-day office